The Broken Child

I try so hard to forget but every so often it crosses my mind.  Why couldn't you be there for me like u were for my other siblings? How could you just up and leave and not care? I try so hard to act like I don't care but I do and it hurts. Sometimes I wish you never came back into my life, maybe that would make things easier and I wouldn't care so much. I'm 20 and now u want to be that "father figure" but I feel like it's too late. I feel like I have nothing to learn from you and you can't tell me nothing that I don't already know or learned from someone else. As a child you caused me a lot of pain. I always wondered where you were at and how come you never showed up when you said you were coming to see me. I cried and cried to my mom because I just couldn't understand why you had to lie and make so many broken promises. My mom played her role but how come you couldn't play yours. These questions still linger in the back of mind just like they did when I was a child. I'll probably never get the truthful answers to these questions and we'll probably never have that father daughter relationship that I always wanted to have with you. For years I blamed myself and thought maybe I wasn't good enough but I've come to realize that it's your lost not mine. When you sit on the phone and down me for wanting to get an education that just pushes me to do better. How could you sit there and tell me my education isn't sh** and common sense is everything, common sense didn't get you too far now did it? I can't thank you for a lot of things but I can Thank you for this...Thank You Dad for showing me how I don't want my future husband or sons to be. Thank You for all the nasty remarks about me wanting to get an education, it only pushes me to do better and reach higher & Thank You for showing me how a man shouldn't treat me. Every night I ask God to relieve my heart of all the anger I have towards you and give me strength to forgive you. I have respect for you because I was brought up to have respect for my elders no matter what they did said or how they treated me. Like my mom & grandma always said "At the end of the day he's still your dad." which is true and I'll show respect but one thing I can say is I'll never love you because I don't know you and truthfully I don't feel like you really know me either. Hopefully one day soon I'll be able to forgive you but I don't think I'll ever forget.

                 Signed, The Daughter Who Didn't Count

My Heart ♥ & Mind Are At War...

My Heart jumps in head first.

My Mind Says "What the hell are you thinking."

My Heart Says "Give him a chance."

My Mind Says  "He's probably just like the rest."

My Heart Says "It's time to love again."

My Mind Says "Go right ahead & get broken."

My Heart Says "What are you so afraid of?"

My Mind Says "You have every reason to be afraid when it comes to love."

My Heart Says "Just go for it."

My Mind Says "U better think twice"

Ugh my heart & mind are at a constant war & I just wish one of dem would hurry up & win....

Dear Future Husband wherever you may be...

Dear Future Husband,

                         

      Sorry for the brick wall that I've put around my heart. It's just really hard to love someone when you've been hurt so many times & lied too. I just want to feel loved, respected, appreciated & honored, is that too much to ask???  For years I put up wit bull crap & lost myself in the process and I promised myself I would never let it happen again. Just when I thought I found love it slips right through my fingers & their true colors are shown. My heart is broken & needs to mend but it just doesn't know where to begin. I know I'm not perfect nobody is so I can't expect you to be but I do want our relationship to be worth it. When I love I love hard & I give it my all. Gifts are nice but I'd rather be showered with your love ♥.

      Dear Future Husband, wherever you may be, I love u and I want to fulfill your every need & I want you to be just as happy as me. I know we'll have our share of ups & downs & we won't agree on everything but that's ok as long as we can look pass those things & agree to disagree. I want you to know that I appreciate you and I'll always be loyal to you & I'll try my best not to hurt you intentionally. I promise to always have your back & to stand by you until death do us part.

     Dear Future Husband, wherever you may be I know when the time is right I'll run Smash Into You♥ & I won't have to second guess myself I'll just know but until then I'll be patiently waiting because I know you'll be worth the wait.

                  I Love You With All My Heart ♥ & Soul

                                                                                            Signed, Your Wife ♥

Goodbye 2010

    2010 oh what a year it has been. This year I learned a lot of things. One important thing that I learned this year is that life goes on and time waits for no one. I thought some people that I've known for years would be in my life forever but things aren't what they always seem to be. People grow apart and things change. You choose different paths in life and as much as it hurts you have to go your separate ways. You can't change people who don't wanna change & you can't help people who don't wanna help themselves. That's just life and as much as you wanna change & help them you just can't but life goes on and you learn to live without them.

   The friendships I've built this year with some people are very dear to my heart ♥. Pal, where would I be without you mane. We have some of the best times together and we got insiders for days (dink dink, DD, can I get a sandwich up in this b**ch) lmao I had to name a few. We are inseparable and blood couldn't make us any closer. You are ALWAYS there when I need you and you always keep it real with me even though it pisses me the hell off sometimes ctfu. We irk each others nerves but 10 minutes later we back at it like nothing never happened and we always put our differences aside. I love you Pal :)

Boopski I never thought the world could handle another me until I met you. We really soulmates as u would say lol. We so much alike dat it's sicken smh.  Our phone convos be hiliarious and we always got some crazy story to tell. You're one of the most loyal people I know & I know I can always come to you with my problems. You're like da lil sister I never had. B4L til the day dat we die Cheaaaaaaaaaaa....!!!!

Some 2010 Memories I'll Never Forget
1. 8/16 My Birthday. No Words.
2. Atlantic City with my pal. I was bout to eff dat Chinese lady up talkin bout come swim in the ocean and splashed water at me. Lady don't play I just got my hair done.
3. Superman ♥
4. The boul that tried to bag me & just didn't get that NO Means NO.
5. The boul that wants that old thing back. Mmmmm Rum bum bum bum rum bum bum bum rum bum bum bum Man Down (in my Rihanna voice) ctfu I play.
6. Christmas with my IKM & all the other memories we shared this year.
7. That fight in D&B ctfu hilarious. Dey play 4real.
8. Aja graduating from hair skool.
9. 12/20/2010 Arielle Amor Readding
10. Dorney Park. Oh mane that night is going down in history pal.

My IKM :)

Dear IKM,
             I love you more than you'll ever know. The most cutest & smartest one year old I've ever known. You've brought nothing but joy to my life & ever moment with you is unforgettable. I couldn't image life without you. You're such a spoiled little brat lol but I wouldn't trade u in for anything in this world. It seems like I just met u & now you're about to be 2 :( You went from crawling to walking & now you're even talking. As the years go by I know we'll have so many more memories to share & I'm glad that you're here. My IKM :)
                                                                                                                    
                                                                                    Love You Always, Cousin Tiffy :)